Flying in the future, einen (Alb)Traum

Providing you air-service with value …

  • We reserve the right to land in a place “sufficiently close to your intended city or destination”.  For example, it makes no difference to us that Frankfurt-Hahn is closer to Trier and the Luxembourg border, than the airport is actually to Frankfurt am Main.  Yes, it’s an old air-base, and the refurbished airport should really be called Trier-Hahn, but we’re relying upon the fact that either the traveler has no sense of geography (or urgency, for that matter), and/or you have not done your homework.  We’re providing you with cheap fares; you’re going to take a bus for hours, and you’re going to like it.
A grand vision of the future in air-travel …

  • Standing-only places for seats : why sit when you can stand for an entire flight? cf. from Ryanair and Spring Airlines
  • As you’ve agreed to (stupidly) fly for a near-zero fee, the plane will not be pressurized and will fly instead at lower altitude.  Your flight will naturally take a longer amount of time than a flight at higher altitudes, but hey, you’re flying with us for free!  You want air?  Water?  Well, I suppose so …
  • Rationed-air : “your personal flow of air, for a special price of $1 at a rate of 2 L/min; of course, for children, we offer a reduced price of $0.50 at a rate of 1 L/min …”
  • Rationed-water : “your personal supply of water, for a special price of $1 per 100 cL.  We provide a larger 1 L source for a reduced price of $9.99.”
  • As clothes on passengers (those packed and those worn) add unnecessary weight which further accelerates the consumption of fossil fuels, we are striving for greener initiatives.  We advise everyone to remove their clothing at the check-in … er … collection area, where we will provide an alternative low-impact low-weight single-piece translucent “modesty suit” for a special price of $9.99.  Passengers may naturally decide to forego the latter suit; however, the passengers should be aware that the “place-belt” and the vertical “comfort-plank” may chafe and induce slivers, respectively.”
… those who are humour-challenged shall not pass “Go”, and are therefore forbidden to collect their € 200.

HL, 1915h GMT, 6 Jun 2010

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